Netflix new true crime docu-series Worst Ex Ever (understated) gives us a window into the devastation caused by domestic abuse and the systemic failures within our cultures to keep women safe. Having watched the series, I felt compelled to write this post, as a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse. I have worked for almost two years in my local women's refuge counselling survivors of the most horrific acts of violence and abuse. The points raised in this docu-series are salient and worth exploring. For some this series will be triggering and bring up past traumas related to their experiences of abuse. I am not endorsing anyone to watch it, you know you, you know what you can engage in and what you cannot. Always make your safety your priority.
I am wanting to pick up some themes that arise in the docu-series and examine them and offer my experience and perspective to them. Domestic abuse is framed, as interpersonal violence that occurs within the context of intimate relationship between partners or other intimate family members. By being culturally framed in this way we come to conceptualise domestic abuse, as an individual issue residing within individual people rather than as a social, cultural and political issue. In this post I am going to focus on the broader social themes that I picked out from the series that are related to domestic abuse.
Abuse Crosses Cultural Divides:
Given this series has only four episodes one of the themes that I was able to ascertain is that anyone from any background can experience abuse within the context of an intimate relationship. There are assumptions around domestic abuse that can be harmful to survivors, as it prevents them from reaching out, as domestic abuse is only being seen as belonging to a certain "group" of people. For example, one assumption is that domestic abuse "belongs" among lower socio-economic groups with low incomes and low educational attainment. Assumptions such as this mean that if you don't fit this mould then either it is not "real" abuse or there is a belief that it doesn't happen to "people like us" and therefore would not be believed. Domestic abuse is an issue that affects all social groupings within society it cuts across age, class, disability, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, ethnicities, "race", religion, political affiliation and culture.
This is not to deny that certain groups of people may be statistically* more likely to experience domestic abuse, but it is not exclusively an issue that only exists within these groups. Whilst honouring the statiscally significance, it is also important to recognise and make space for survivors from all social groupings. Abuse has a devastating effect on the psyche of the individual no matter what their age, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, class, ethnicity or any other defining social characteristic. It also needs to be noted that when you come from an already marginalised group it can be even more difficult to reach out for help due to shame and stigma.
An example I want to share is that I have worked with lesbian survivors of domestic abuse and due to the stereotyped ways that lesbian relationships are conceptualised within our culture lesbian survivors can face even greater challenges getting the help they need. Within the family court system domestic abuse within lesbian relationships is not taken seriously by judges and viewed as "tit for tat". Judges are also not compelled to have domestic abuse training and many survivors are being forced to face their perpetratos in court, or else be in contempt of court. Facing the person who has brutalised you usually over many years and often counter-claiming abuse or "parental alienation" is revictimising and retraumatising.
Marginalised groups within society do not have recourse to systems of privilege and power and this means that their voices are often not heard. There can also be a conspiracy of silence when you are from an already marginalised group, because your position in society already places you as an "other" that can be subject to scruntiny, stigma and discrimination because of this there can be significant challenges in openly discussing the dark side that exists within your marginalised group such as domestic abuse. To disclose abuses is tantamount to handing the oppressor more ammunition through which to assault you with and further perpetuate your group's marginalisation.
Victim-Blaming:
No-one enters an intimate relationship with the intention of being abused. I cannot recall how many times I have heard survivors blaming themselves for their abuse. Abuse is never the fault of the victim/survivor, the fault ALWAYS lies with the perpetrator. Survivors of abuse in my experience feel they are to blame because they made a "bad choice in partner", didn't spot the "red flags" or didn't leave "soon enough". However, I have yet to hear of a story of abuse that started on day one of the relationship. I often ask my therapy partners if they were beaten, threatened or verbally abuse on the first date and the answer is always no. I ask if you had been would you have stayed, again the answer is no. Manipulation may begin on day one, but overt abuse does not. Perpetrators are skilled at coercion and manipulation. Relationships for them, are about power and control. When this is threatened or lost this is when abuse escalates.
One of the laments that is common within cultural spaces is "why didn't she* leave". This sounds glaringly obvious and commonsensical but it is an incredibly damaging narrative and blames the survivor for their victimisation. Why do we not hear "why did he* not stop?" This makes far more sense to me, but it is not something we hear. We live in a system that places the burden of responsibility on the person who is the victim of a crime. Domestic abuse is a criminal act. Abusers are perpetrators of criminal acts. Those who are victims of crime should not be placed in the position of having to defend why they did not stop or how they contributed to their own victimisation. This is victim blaming. Victim blaming is so damaging. Those who have lived with abuse absorb these narratives and then live with shame, blame and guilt that they had "control" over what happened to them. Within relationships where domestic abuse occurs and is experienced the only person that has power and control is the perpetrator. When the target of abuse strives for autonomy, independence and to assert their rights this is when things become more dangerous.
Cultural Support of Domestic Abuse:
The truth is that globally we live in cultures that support and sustains domestic abuse. We do not hold perpertrators accountable. We live in systems that make it difficult for survivors to seek help and support. We blame victims for their victimisation. We blame victims for their emotional distress caused by the trauma they have endured. We threaten to take away their children and tell them they have "failed to protect their children". We don't give them asylum even if their life is threatened by returning to their country of birth. Our court systems are at odds with each other, as well as being discriminatory, adversarial, biased, and being manipulated by those who "know" the system or are best placed to take advantage of the loop holes in the system.
The pain of abuse is not only the acts of abuse that are endured at the hands of the perpetrator, but it is also through the way the community responds to domestic abuse. We need to do better. We need to believe survivors the first time they disclose. We need better systems of financial support. We need better training on domestic abuse and trauma for all those professionals within the criminal justice system who will be in contact with survivors. We need to teach our children about healthy relationships and how to spot abuse. We need to stop taking the side of the abuser. We need to delve deep into our own fears and face the truth that there are people out there who purposefully and wilfully hurt and harm the people they claim to love. Abuse lives in the dark corners and through a veil of secrecy and shame. The shame belongs to the perpetrator not the victim/survivor. By collectively shining a light and making perpetrators accountable for their crimes we are lifting the shame and secrecy off of the shoulders of victims/survivors and placing it where it belongs with the perpetrator.
To end:
Working with survivors of domestic abuse is a passion of mine. It's a topic that is close to my heart. I know the devastation that abuse causes and it can destroy lives for a lifetime. It does not have to be this way. Recovery from abuse is possible. It's not easy, but neither was the abuse and you survived that! Counselling and in particular trauma therapy can be a road to gathering up and putting back together the fragmented parts of self. You will not be the same person you were before, you will be a wiser and more resourced version. I love this quote from the Danish Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard "life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forwards". I believe in healing the past, so we are able to embrace the future. We all deserve a life that is free from abuse and trauma.
*I have used gendered pronouns here, as domestic abuse in the statistical sense is still very much a gendered crime mostly perpetrated by men with women as their victims. Safelives statistics show that 93% of those referred to MARAC are women. Two women every week in the UK are murdered by their current or former partner. I also want to acknowledge that this is also following the heteronormative framework and wish to recognise and acknowledge that domestic abuse also occurs in same-sex and gender variant partnerships.
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